R.J. Formanek: The Life He’s Built. The People in His Corner.

Listen to the Episode

When you’re raising or supporting someone with FASD, the future can take up a lot of space in your head. Who will understand them? Will they find something they love doing? What will support look like as they get older?

My friend R.J. Formanek brings a perspective worth spending time with. At 65, he’s teaching, speaking and helping other adults with FASD find their voice. He also talks openly about the people he relies on.

The People In His Corner

In Toronto, R.J. talked about the friends he relies on and the relationship he has with his son, whom he describes as his rock. His son knows him well and gives him room without judgement when things get overwhelming.

That support belongs in the picture alongside his teaching and advocacy. Seeing someone speak confidently doesn’t tell us everything it takes for them to be there.

When we caught up, R.J. wanted to add something about the conference: there had been quiet rooms, people available to help and places to turn when someone needed support. Those details mattered to him, and he wanted them included.

Confidence Can Begin With A Conversation

R.J. remembers being afraid to speak at his first conference. During coffee breaks, he began talking with other people and recognizing parts of his experience in their stories. Those conversations helped him find the confidence to share.

Now he helps other adults explore what they want to say and how they want to contribute. Speaking isn’t the right fit for everyone. Someone might be a beautiful writer or an artist who expresses themselves through another medium.

His starting point is conversation: getting to know the person, noticing their strengths and leaving room for them to choose.

Before We Plan The Opportunity

This is where I had to include myself in the conversation, my friend. We can see someone take an interest in something and get excited. We start making calls, finding opportunities and working out the details.

But have we asked whether it’s something they want?

R.J.’s example gives us a useful place to start. Have the conversation before building the plan. Find out what interests the person, then work together on the support that could help them take a next step.

Keep Learning From Lived Experience

Listen to the full episode for more from R.J. and my closing thoughts on keeping the person’s interests and choices at the centre of support.

For more of R.J.’s story, revisit his first conversation on the show. You can also explore Red Shoes Rock.

If you’re looking for other caregivers who understand this world, visit our free FASD caregiver Facebook group.