When a New Phase Hits: Finding What Works Now with Jen Pengelly

You learn more about FASD. You start recognizing what makes certain situations harder, find some support that helps, and get a little breathing room at home.

Then life changes. Your child gets older. School asks more of them. There’s a job, more freedom, or a routine that no longer fits the way it used to.

You’re still using what you learned, but there’s a new situation to figure out.

That’s where I wanted to pick things up with Jen Pengelly. It’s been two years since she and her husband, Ray, first joined me on the podcast. They’re raising five kids, and I wanted to know what still helps and what they’ve had to change.

Understanding FASD Still Takes Practice

Knowing why something is happening doesn’t make every difficult moment easy. Jen is honest about that.

She and Ray still have moments when they want to keep talking, keep explaining or get their point across. They help each other notice when it’s time to step back and return to the conversation later.

There can still be something important to talk about. They’re paying attention to when that conversation has a better chance of going somewhere.

If you understand the need to pause but still find yourself getting pulled into the argument, this part of the conversation will probably sound familiar. Jen describes the work of using that understanding in the middle of family life.

Sometimes the Setup Needs to Change

Bedtime gave us a very practical example. The boys had been sharing a room, and the arrangement was making it harder for them to settle.

Jen and Ray changed the house around so everyone could have their own room. Jen says bedtime became much easier. Once the kids settled, she and Ray had some time together before going to bed themselves.

Most of us can’t rearrange a house every time something gets difficult. But the question underneath that change is useful: what is the current setup asking this person to manage?

It might be the noise, the number of people, the timing or how many things are happening at once. Looking at those demands can give you somewhere to start when the same situation keeps getting hard.

Notice What Is Getting Easier, Too

Adjusting support also means noticing growth. Jen talks about chores one of her sons couldn’t manage before that he’s now taking part in.

That matters. If we only look for the next difficulty, we can miss something the person is becoming able to do.

As you listen, consider both questions: where does your person need more help right now, and where are you seeing something get easier? Their answers can change as life changes.

The Parents Need Support in This Phase, Too

Jen and Ray share the load in practical ways, including responding to school calls and helping each other through difficult moments. They also look for time to connect, whether that’s a coffee after the morning rush or walking the dogs.

Jen talks about the friendships she’s built with people who understand her family’s life. Those relationships still matter when things are hard.

She’s now helping build that connection for other families through the Eastern 401 FASD Family Network. It’s another part of this conversation worth hearing: the people providing support need people in their corner, too.

Start With the Situation in Front of You

You don’t need to compare your family’s progress with Jen’s or take home every idea she shares. Pick one situation that has become harder lately and get curious about what has changed.

What is your person being asked to manage now? What might need adjusting? And what would help you make that support possible?

Listen to the full conversation for Jen’s examples and the honest account of what her family is still working through.

Join our free FASD Forever Facebook group to connect with other caregivers who understand this life.

Related Listening

Episode 159: Ray and Jen’s FASD Success Story: Teamwork and Transformation